On “2 Fast 2 Furious”

The thrilling prequel to Ratatouille

It is impossible to summarize 2 Fast 2 Furious in any language invented by mortals. What does one say about a 2003 film in which a spicy white international drug lord with a confusing accent puts a rat on a cop’s bare torso, pops a metal bucket over the rat and applies a blowtorch to the container under the theory that the rat will gnaw through said cop’s aforementioned naked abdomen in order to get free of the rising heat?

Nothing.

Truly, one should say nothing. What could even the finest essayist, film critic, or literary mind add to the discourse around such a motion picture? I am but a humble scrivener, dedicating two months of my life to the Fast and Furious franchise. How can I muster the courage to share my thoughts on the most important sequel since Empire?

Please note: I am watching each film for the very first time, in order of theatrical release. I am aware this is not the sequence of the franchise’s meta-narrative, and that I am skipping the tie-in cartoon series as well as a couple of shorts, but I saw A New Hope, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi long before I watched Rogue One, and I enjoyed both seasons of The Mandalorian without having seen Clone Wars. What I’m saying is that the Fast and Furious universe is Car Wars, and Dom is Han Solo and Princess Leia at the same time and somehow also Yoda and Mace Windu and Grogu, and I can handle it. I am dealing.

I shall now endeavor to use my inadequate human words to say something about this movie.

The late, great John Singleton could take anything and make it exciting. He had a particular talent for working with newer actors on the verge of greatness. For example, in 2 Fast 2 Furious he beautifully directed the energetic young rat who would go on to do very good work in the role of Clunky Metaphor in The Departed (2006) before his breakout turn as Remy in Ratatouille (2007). Unfortunately, in the latter film, Pixar studio execs chose to dub over the rat’s original vocal work. Patton Oswalt did a great job with it, but we’ll never know what could have been.

I watched 2 Fast 2 Furious with my dad, even though I knew he hadn’t seen The Fast and the Furious (2001). I knew the lack of context wouldn’t be a…