On “2 Fast 2 Furious”

The thrilling prequel to Ratatouille

It is impossible to summarize 2 Fast 2 Furious in any language invented by mortals. What does one say about a 2003 film in which a spicy white international drug lord with a confusing accent puts a rat on a cop’s bare torso, pops a metal bucket over the rat and applies a blowtorch to the container under the theory that the rat will gnaw through said cop’s aforementioned naked abdomen in order to get free of the rising heat?

Nothing.

Truly, one should say nothing. What could even the finest essayist, film critic, or literary mind add to the discourse around such a motion picture? I am but a humble scrivener, dedicating two months of my life to the Fast and Furious franchise. How can I muster the courage to share my thoughts on the most important sequel since Empire?

Please note: I am watching each film for the very first time, in order of theatrical release. I am aware this is not the sequence of the franchise’s meta-narrative, and that I am skipping the tie-in cartoon series as well as a couple of shorts, but I saw A New Hope, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi long before I watched Rogue One, and I enjoyed both seasons of The Mandalorian without having seen Clone Wars. What I’m saying is that the Fast and Furious universe is Car Wars, and Dom is Han Solo…